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YThe Complete Cynic

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I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. ...
by Groucho Marx

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
- Groucho Marx

Related topics: Funny

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
- Groucho Marx

Humor is reason gone mad.
- Groucho Marx

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
- Groucho Marx



Afraid? Me? A man who's licked
his weight in wild caterpillars?
Afraid? You bet I'm afraid!
- Groucho Marx

I intend to live forever, or die trying.
- Groucho Marx

I got a good mind to join a club
and beat you over the head with it.
- the Groucho Marx movie Duck Soup



Clear? Huh. Why a four-year-old child
could understand this report.
Run out and find me a four-year-old child,
I can't make head or tail of it.
- the Groucho Marx movie Duck Soup

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
- Groucho Marx

I was married by a judge.
I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
- Groucho Marx

A child of five would understand this.
Send someone to fetch a child of five.
- Groucho Marx

Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
- Groucho Marx

I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
- Groucho Marx

I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions -
the curtain was up.
- Groucho Marx

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
- Groucho Marx

I wish to be cremated.
One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent,
as written in our contract.
- Groucho Marx

I must say I find television very educational.
The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.
- Groucho Marx

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
- Groucho Marx

There's one way to find out if a man is honest -
ask him.
If he says, "Yes," you know he is a crook.
- Groucho Marx

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down,
I was convulsed with laughter.
Someday I intend reading it.
- Groucho Marx

My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.
- Groucho Marx

Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.
- Groucho Marx

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
- Groucho Marx

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me,
because I'd like to hear it again.
- Groucho Marx

Behind every successful man is a woman,
behind her is his wife.
- Groucho Marx

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.
- Groucho Marx

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
- Groucho Marx

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
- Groucho Marx

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
- Groucho Marx

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
- Groucho Marx

No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.
- Groucho Marx

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening,
but this wasn't it.
- Groucho Marx

She got her looks from her father.
He's a plastic surgeon.
- Groucho Marx

Man does not control his own fate.
The women in his life do that for him.
- Groucho Marx

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows -
marriage does.
- Groucho Marx

Getting older is no problem.
You just have to live long enough.
- Groucho Marx

I'm leaving because the weather is too good.
I hate London when it's not raining.
- Groucho Marx

I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.
- Groucho Marx

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately.
Ring the nearest golf course.
- Groucho Marx

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
- Groucho Marx

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas.
How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
- Groucho Marx

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
- Groucho Marx

Marriage is a wonderful institution,
but who wants to live in an institution?
- Groucho Marx

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
- Groucho Marx

All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.
- Groucho Marx

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.
- Groucho Marx

Go, and never darken my towels again.
- Groucho Marx

I find television very educating.
Every time somebody turns on the set,
I go into the other room and read a book.
- Groucho Marx

Women should be obscene and not heard.
- Groucho Marx

I remember the first time I had sex -
I kept the receipt.
- Groucho Marx

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
- Groucho Marx

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
- Groucho Marx

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
- Groucho Marx

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
- Groucho Marx

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...
well, I have others.
- Groucho Marx

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
- Groucho Marx

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
- Groucho Marx

I've got the brain of a four year old.
I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.
- Groucho Marx

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing.
If you can fake that, you've got it made.
- Groucho Marx

Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.
- Groucho Marx

Politics is the art of looking for trouble,
finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and
applying the wrong remedies.
- Groucho Marx

Room service? Send up a larger room.
- Groucho Marx

Please accept my resignation.
I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.
- Groucho Marx

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book,
and does.
- Groucho Marx

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
- Groucho Marx

Before I speak, I have something important to say.
- Groucho Marx

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
- Groucho Marx

My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days
hath September' because it actually tells you something.
- Groucho Marx

Why a four-year-old child could understand this report.
Run out and find me a four-year-old child.
I can't make head nor tail out of it.
- Groucho Marx

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
- Groucho Marx


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