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YThe Complete Cynic

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Cute Husband Quotes

May you get a smile and a chuckle from these Cute Husband Quotes.

One good Husband is worth two good Wives;
for the scarcer things are, the more they're valued.
- Benjamin Franklin

Related topics: Funny Cynical Marriage

Strike an average between what a woman thinks of her husband
a month before she marries him
and what she thinks of him a year afterward,
and you will have the truth about him.
- H. L. Mencken

Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.
- Joan Rivers

Whenever a husband and wife begin to discuss their
marriage they are giving evidence at a coroner's inquest.
- H. L. Mencken



Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love.
I'd stepped in it a few times.
- Rita Rudner

A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife
an electric skillet for her birthday.
- Erma Bombeck

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child.
We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.
- Rita Rudner



My husband melted my heart the day he asked me,
"Can I participate in your wonder?"
In whose wonder do you get to participate today?
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband.
Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.
- W. C. Fields

Wealth - any income that is at least one hundred dollars
more a year than the income of one's wife's sister's husband.
- H. L. Mencken

My husband gave me a necklace.
It's fake.
I requested fake.
Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age,
I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.
- Rita Rudner

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband,
Fang.
How about short and cheap?
- Phyllis Diller

I blame my mother for my poor sex life.
All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.'
For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.
- Joan Rivers

People shop for a bathing suit with more care than
they do a husband or wife.
The rules are the same.
Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing.
Allow for room to grow.
- Erma Bombeck

I used to tell my husband that,
if he could make me "understand" something,
it would be clear to all the other people in the country.
- Eleanor Roosevelt

For years my wedding ring has done its job.
It has led me not into temptation.
It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties
that it's time to go home.
It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion.
It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward.
- Erma Bombeck

A man cannot speak to his son, but as a father;
to his wife, but as a husband;
to his enemy, but upon terms:
whereas a friend may speak, as the case requires,
and not as it sorteth with the person.
- Francis Bacon

Do real life people actually fall in love
with the idea of being in love?
Unfortunately, it is actually quite common.
Someone wants desperately to have
the husband or wife of their dreams.
They visualize the vine-covered cottage
with the white picket fence.
They choose the colors for the nursery.
They design all the aspects of their married life.
A real person stands no chance of measuring up to those fantasies.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

When you are alone you are not alone,
you are simply lonely -
and there is a tremendous difference
between loneliness and aloneness.
When you are lonely you are thinking of the other,
you are missing the other.
Loneliness is a negative state.
You are feeling that it would have been
better if the other were there -
your friend, your wife, your mother,
your beloved, your husband.
It would have been good if the other
were there, but the other is not.
Loneliness is absence of the other.
Aloneness is the presence of oneself.
Aloneness is very positive.
It is a presence, overflowing presence.
You are so full of presence
that you can fill the whole universe
with your presence and there is no need for anybody.
- Osho

Husbands should be like Kleenex:
soft, strong, and disposable.
- the movie Clue (1985)

Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke.
- Anonymous

If women believed in their husbands they would be a
good deal happier and also a good deal more foolish.
- H. L. Mencken

Husbands are chiefly good as lovers when they are betraying their wives.
- Marilyn Monroe

How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

My mother buried three husbands - and two of them were only napping.
- Rita Rudner

Husbands never become good; they merely become proficient.
- H. L. Mencken

Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

My grandmother was a very tough woman.
She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.
- Rita Rudner

Neither a borrower nor a lender be,
For loan oft loses both itself and friend,
And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry.
- William Shakespeare

"When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said in rather a scornful tone,
"it means just what I choose it to mean - neither more nor less."
- Lewis Carroll

Marriage is neither heaven nor hell,
it is simply purgatory.
- Abraham Lincoln

Life is best when I wish neither to hurry the future nor to slow it.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

True love is a process of co-creation
in which neither feels ownership or superiority.
Jealousy is a highly destructive force
for love and relationships.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Children should neither be seen or heard from -
ever again.
- W. C. Fields

I was taught that the way of progress
is neither swift nor easy.
- Marie Curie

Know that life is most joyful when you
neither attempt to hurry the future nor to slow it.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Neither a wise man nor a brave man lies down
on the tracks of history
to wait for the train of the future to run over him.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower

Neither a man nor a crowd nor a nation
can be trusted to act humanely
or to think sanely under the influence of a great fear.
- Bertrand Russell

Friendship is all about Mutuality,
neither Individuality nor Singularity.
- Aparna Chatterjee

Neither blame or praise yourself.
- Plutarch

I am neither bitter nor cynical but I do wish
there was less immaturity in political thinking.
- Franklin D. Roosevelt

The snow goose need not bathe to make itself white.
Neither need you do anything but be yourself.
- Lao Tzu

Where there is charity and wisdom,
there is neither fear nor ignorance.
- St. Francis of Assisi

They who can give up essential liberty
to obtain a little temporary safety
deserve neither liberty nor safety.
- Benjamin Franklin

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat
short of being impressive,
knowing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent
knows what we are talking about.
- Rodney Dangerfield

People often say that motivation doesn't last.
Well, neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily.
- Zig Ziglar

We're never so vulnerable than when we trust someone -
but paradoxically, if we cannot trust,
neither can we find love or joy.
- Walter Anderson

Prayer does not use up artificial energy,
doesn't burn up any fossil fuel, doesn't pollute.
Neither does song, neither does love, neither does the dance.
- Margaret Mead

It is neither good nor bad, but thinking makes it so.
- William Shakespeare

Neither should a ship rely on one small anchor,
nor should life rest on a single hope.
- Epictetus

It is neither wealth nor splendor;
but tranquility and occupation which give you happiness.
- Thomas Jefferson

Use heroes as a springboard for inquiry
into the identity and nature of admirably human qualities.
Do not judge heroes -
neither to put them unquestioningly on a pedestal
nor to unkindly probe their flaws.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

No stream rises higher than its source.
Whatever man might build, could never
express or reflect more than he was.
He could record neither more nor less
than he had learned of life.
- Frank Lloyd Wright

Human progress is neither automatic nor inevitable...
Every step toward the goal of justice
requires sacrifice, suffering, and struggle;
the tireless exertions and
passionate concern of dedicated individuals.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.

The first thing which I can record concerning myself is,
that I was born.
These are wonderful words.
This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution -
this everlasting living soul,
began.
My mind loses itself in these depths.
- Groucho Marx

Service which is rendered without joy
helps neither the servant nor the served.
But all other pleasures and possessions
pale into nothingness before service
which is rendered in a spirit of joy.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi

Cheer for endings - whether goals have been met or not -
whether the ending is tidy or ragged.
Without endings, there would be neither the opportunity
nor the incentive to think new thoughts,
and to begin great new projects.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

To accuse others for one's own misfortunes
is a sign of want of education.
To accuse oneself shows that one's education has begun.
To accuse neither oneself nor others
shows that one's education is complete.
- Epictetus

The "stories" we choose to tell about our past
are never what a video camera would have recorded.
We can tell a sad story or a happy story,
and neither story is either
more accurate or "better" than the other story.
The difference is that one story causes us to suffer,
while the other brings us joy. I choose joy.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

The unpredictable and irregular happenings
of life's cycles are an inherent part of their nature.
There are droughts and heat waves, injuries occur.
The lion eats the zebra -
one is nourished, one dies - neither failed.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Far better is it to dare mighty things,
to win glorious triumphs,
even though chequered by failure,
than to take rank with those poor spirits
who neither enjoy much nor suffer much,
because they live in the grey twilight
that knows not victory or defeat.
- Theodore Roosevelt

Cowardice asks the question - is it safe?
Expediency asks the question - is it politic?
Vanity asks the question - is it popular?
But conscience asks the question - is it right?
And there comes a time when one must take a position
that is neither safe, nor politic, nor popular;
but one must take it BECAUSE it is right.
- Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort
of feeling safe with a person;
having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words,
but to pour them all out, just as they are,
chaff and grain together,
knowing that a faithful hand will take and sift them,
keep what is worth keeping, and then,
with a breath of kindness, blow the rest away.
- George Eliot

You are not your mind. You, a Spiritual BEing,
are neither your mind nor your body.
Mind and body are your tools - to use as you choose.
Sometimes your body appears to have a will of its own,
as when it twitches or pains.
Likewise, your mind often appears to have its own will.
That incessant chattering of regret, disappointment, guilt,
shame, foreboding, worry, and fear
is your Rattlesnake Mind striking off on its own.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Life is like a ten speed bicycle.
Most of us have gears we never use.
- Charles M. Schulz

The only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on.
It is never of any use to oneself.
- Oscar Wilde

Do not use a hatchet to remove
a fly from your friend's forehead.
- Chinese Proverb

Yesterday is like a dung heap;
you can complain about the smell,
or you can use it to fertilize tomorrow's garden.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Use the power of your word
in the direction of truth and love.
- don Miguel Ruiz

If at first you don't succeed,
try, try, and try again.
Then give up.
There's no use being a damned fool about it.
- W. C. Fields

The civilized man has built a coach,
but has lost the use of his feet.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson


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